Love for a child
by Trapped in a MatchBox
Summary: What if Kate had been pregnant when she left the island and ended up having to raise not one, but two kids? Now she's back on the island with her child and dealing with the pain of losing Aaron.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Lost or any of the characters you recognize. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **I started this originally as a one shot, but it may or may not continue. It's up to you guys. Also, I haven't written any Lost fics in about 3 years, so I'm not entirely sure I like this. Let me know what you think.

**Love for a child**

The pain was intense.

She thought she had felt the worst kind of pain when her mother gave her up to the Police. Or when Tom died because of her. Or most recently, when _he_ jumped out of the chopper. Every single one of those times she thought she had hit rock bottom and would never recover. Every single time the pain had been so intense, she thought it was going to consume her whole and leave nothing but ashes behind.

But she recovered and went on with her life as best as she could, because there was no sense in dwelling on her past mistakes and heartbreaks. At least that was what she made herself believe so she could get through each day.

It worked for a while. Until the day she had to leave Aaron behind to go back to the island.

Even though she had a purpose and intended on fulfilling it, leaving Aaron behind was the hardest thing she ever had to do. It felt like someone had torn open her chest and ripped a piece of her heart out. For three years, that little boy had been one of her rocks and kept her sane enough to take care of him. To take care of them.

When she found out she was pregnant, barely a month after the rescue, Aaron kept her strong enough to endure a pregnancy without _him _by her side. His very presence, even if he couldn't talk yet, had soothing effect on her and she managed to stay level-headed enough through it. When Thomas was born, he and Aaron became the center of her universe. In a matter of months, her life had been turned upside down and she suddenly found herself a mother of two little boys.

Aaron and Thomas were the best of friends and inseparable. It was nothing short of amazing how well they got along and understood each other on a level she found intriguing for toddlers. She loved both of them with all her heart, but every time she looked at them, she was haunted by the ghosts of her lies. Aaron wasn't hers to keep and Thomas was the spitting image of his father, even though he had gotten her dark curls. Every time he smiled and showed his cute little dimples, her heart ached. She missed him more than she ever thought possible.

Jack was there to pick up the piece, though. For a while, she though she loved him. He was always there for her when she needed him and treated her boys like they were his own. He knew Thomas was Sawyer's child; there was no point denying it. Even though he played the role of loving father for a while, however, Kate knew he resented Thomas. She could see it in his eyes. At the time she shrugged it off as childish jealousy. After all, Sawyer was dead, for all she knew, and she would never see him again.

When she decided she had to go back to the island to find Claire, Jack had been long gone from her life. She left Aaron with Claire's mother and even nurtured the idea of leaving Thomas with Cassidy, so she wouldn't put him in danger. But after giving Aaron away, she couldn't find it in her to leave her little boy behind. As much as loved Aaron, she knew she was doing the right thing by leaving him with his rightful family. She couldn't do the same with Thomas, though.

So she boarded Ajira flight 316 and when the turbulence finally hit, she told him to close his eyes and help him tight against her chest waiting for it to be over. The next thing she knew, small hands were shaking her awake and she opened her eyes to find her little boy, Jack and Hurley hovering over her. As she took in her surroundings, she hugged Thomas close, thankful that he wasn't harmed in any way.

The fact that they had somehow landed in 1977 baffled her. Even now, when she had been here for a month, she still found it hard to wrap her head around. But what really tug at her heart was seeing him again.

Alive and well.

And with Juliet.

She knew she had no right to be jealous. She had been engaged to Jack just a couple of months before, after all. Still, she had no idea how to act around him, particularly because of Thomas. So she tried to avoid him at all costs, keeping to herself, doing her job at the motor pool and taking care of her son. He never asked about him and she never said anything. She knew she would have to tell him eventually, but she would wait. She had no idea how to even bring up the subject. She would have to wait for the right time.

Thomas seemed to love the island life. He had an insane amount of space to run around and play with the other kids so he couldn't be happier. For the most part, he didn't seem to mind the change so much. Sometimes, however, he would ask about Aaron and when they were going home to see him. Every time that happened, it was like pouring salt into an open wound for her, but she explained patiently that Aaron would have to stay with his grandma for a while.

One night, though, things were particularly difficult when Thomas cried himself to sleep because he missed his brother and wanted to go home. After she put him to bed, she sat on her porch in the dark and allowed her misery and despair to take over. Crying silently into the night, with her knees to her chest, she tried to comfort herself. She missed Aaron. She missed her life in Los Angeles. She missed _him _and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.

An arm wrapped around her shoulder, suddenly, and she jumped startled. When that same arm pulled her closer enough that she could rest her head on his warm chest, she didn't fight it. She recognized his touch and let herself get lost in it, if only for a moment. She knew it was wrong. They weren't supposed to know each other and he was with Juliet, but at that moment in the dark she didn't care. Her misery was pulling her under and she was thankful that he was there to keep her head above the water. When her sobs started to shake her small, fragile body, he only held her tighter and let her cry it out.

After a while, she felt her tears subside and a kiss was placed on her forehead. He didn't let her go, like she thought he would, but held her quietly for a few minutes.

An eternity passed by until she finally worked up the courage to look up. He smiled at her, his dimples showing off playfully, just like her son's. He leaned down and placed a tender kiss on her hair.

"Thank you." She whispered. Her throat felt like it was on fire. He shook his head and kissed her forehead again.

"Wanna talk about it, Freckles?" She sighed and allowed herself to smile a little. It was the first time she heard him call her that in three years.

"Everything is wrong." She said quietly and heard him sigh.

"I know it's a lot to take in, Freckles, but you'll get used to it." He said soothingly.

"It's not just the time travel thing. I left my son out there. It's too hard. I miss him. Thomas misses him." She tried to explain and wiped away quickly the tear that was threatening to escape.

"Hurley told us you kept Aaron. He didn't explain why you left him behind, though. I mean, you brought the other little one. Why didn't you bring him too?" He asked and she took a deep breath, trying to think of an explanation.

"It's complicated, James. You wouldn't understand." She put her hand over her eyes and hoped he would leave it be.

"Well, it just so happens that I'm an expert at complicated." He grinned at her and his dimples made her heart ache more.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you even here?" He looked at her, confused. "We've been avoiding each other like the plague, Sawyer. You know that."

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and she thought he wasn't going to answer.

"I can't do it anymore, Kate." He said quietly, his voice defeated.

"Can't do what?" she asked confused and looked up into his eyes again.

"I care about you, Freckles. That hasn't changed." He leaned down and kissed her forehead again. "And I've missed you."

"But you're with Juliet." She argued, fighting the tiny spark of hope in her heart.

"Don't mean I don't care about you. I don't wanna see you hurting like that and I kept my distance because of jack and the little one."

She frowned.

"What do they have to do with anything?"

"I heard you and the doc were engaged. And I'm not sure he would want me near you and his kid."

Her heart tripped for a second and resumed its beating in an erratic rhythm. This conversation was not going the way she planned, but she couldn't help what she blurted out next.

"Jack is not Thomas' father." She said and her wide eyes met his frowning face.

"What do you mean he's not Jack's? I thought you and the doc had been cozy since you left the island." She shook her head and he looked at her confused. "Who's his father, then?"

Kate fought against the wave of panic that threatened to take over. She couldn't do this tonight.

"Mommy?" She heard her little boy's voice and looked back to find him at the front door, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Pulling away from Sawyer's arms, she smiled at him.

"Hey, pumpkin. What are you doing up?" She asked softly and Thomas ran to her arms.

"Bad dream." He said quietly.

"Oh, sweetie, it was just a dream. You're safe now, alright. Mommy's got you."

She hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head. She could feel Sawyer's eyes on her, watching them curiously.

"Mommy, who's he?" Thomas asked, looking at Sawyer. Kate took a deep breath, in a worthless effort of calming her erratic heart.

"This is James, baby. He's an old friend of mommy's."

Thomas nodded and waved shyly.

"Just like my name?" he asked Kate, who nodded quickly.

"I thought your name was Thomas, squirt." Sawyer said with a grin, ruffling his hair.

"My name is Thomas James Ford Austen" He said slowly, trying to pronounce every word clearly.

Kate looked at Sawyer with wide eyes, her breath stuck in her throat. Sawyer looked back at her surprised.

"Is that so?" he said slowly, his eyes glued to Kate's gaze. She tried to think fast, but nothing came to mind, except panic. "Freckles? You named him after me?"

Kate swallowed hard and nodded, unable to say anything.

"Not that I'm not flattered, Kate, but why?"

She stayed silent. He touched her chin, making her meet his gaze.

"Freckles?"

Kate swallowed hard again and stood up quickly, holding Thomas to her hip.

"I should get him to bed. Say goodnight, baby." Sawyer stood up in time to see the kid smile with a set of dimples that mirrored his own.

"Night, Mr. James." He waved and Sawyer stared at him in shock.

"Night, squirt." He managed a small grin at Thomas and grabbed Kate's arm, keeping her there. "How old are you again, little man?"

"Two, but I'm gonna be three soon, right, mommy? That's three whole fingers." He told Sawyer and showed him three little fingers.

When Sawyer failed to answer, she knew he had done the math. She could still lie, but really, what was the point?

"Let's go to bed, baby." She said, her voice shaking. Sawyer tightened his hold on her arm. "Sawyer, please." She whispered.

"Kate, is he…?" She nodded quickly. He blinked, astonished. "Why didn't you…?"

"Not now, Sawyer. Please?" She added softly. "Go home. We'll talk later."

"You're damn right we will." He let go of her arm and looked at Thomas whose eyes were slowly losing the battle against sleep and his face softened. "I can't believe you didn't tell me." He shook his head.

The kid actually looked like him, he realized.

Like in a daze, he leaned closer to her and she was afraid he was going to do something to her for a second, but he just kissed her cheek and then the top of Thomas' head and turned around to leave.

When he was a few feet away, she called out to him.

"Hey, James!" He turned around and looked at her questioningly. "I missed you too." She said softly and was rewarded with a smile.

"See you tomorrow, Freckles." He said and walked to his house.

Kate let out a breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding.

It had gone better than expected.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Lost or any of the characters you recognize. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Thank you so much for the reviews, everyone! :D

**Chapter 2**

The next day Kate went by her day as usual. It was not like she could go talk to Sawyer about Thomas whenever she felt like; not with him being Head of Security and she merely a newbie at the motor pool. Truth be told, she wasn't really sure she wanted to talk to him about Thomas at all. Really, what was there to say? He was with Juliet and as much as she still had unresolved feelings for him, she didn't want to mess up the life he had here. How would he explain to the Dharma people that he suddenly had a child with the new girl?

She could feel his eyes on her all day long, though. As she worked with Juliet, still trying to learn the very foreign subject of automobile mechanics, she wondered if Sawyer had told her what happened. She didn't say anything at all regarding Thomas, so Kate assumed she still didn't know anything. Not that it mattered, anyway. He would tell her soon enough; they were in love after all, weren't they, she thought to herself bitterly.

From the motor pool she could see Thomas playing with Hurley on the swings; his excited giggles reached her ears as he asked Hurley to push him higher. She smiled at the scene. He had taken an instant liking to Hurley and played with him every day when Hugo was on a break. Something caught her eye at the building at the exact opposite side of their little village and her eyes suddenly swimming with tears as her heart skipped a beat. Leaning against the security building, Sawyer was watching Thomas with such a soft expression that she found it hard to describe it. He was smiling wistfully at the sound of his son's joyful laughter like he had never seen a child laugh before.

For the most part she was relieved that the truth was finally out there and that Sawyer apparently didn't blame her for anything. Not that they had had a chance to talk, but at least he hadn't thrown a fit the night before when he found out. Now looking at his smiling, content face, she wondered what was going through his head as he watched his kid playing.

As if he was listening to her thoughts, he looked away from Thomas for a moment and their gazes locked together. He grinned and winked at her and she couldn't help but smile back, for once not worrying that Juliet was around and might not like her boyfriend seemingly flirting with his ex.

A loud cry interrupted her thoughts and she felt her stop for a second. Her eyes immediately searched for Thomas and she felt her legs weaken and almost give out when she saw Hurley calling for help, looking over her little boy on the ground.

She didn't think, she didn't even feel her legs moving, but next thing she knew she was kneeling down next to her crying son, trying to soothe him and checking him over at the same time. When she looked at his little arm hanging on a weird angle, she knew it was broken. Thomas cried copiously, his broken arm already swelling.

"What happened? Where is he hurt?" A voice asked behind her, frantically.

She was surprised to find Sawyer there next to her checking over Thomas, concern written on his furrowed brows. At that moment she had to fight the huge knot in her throat at the elation that he was already taking over his parental role.

"I think he broke his arm, look." She tried to say, but all it came out was a shaky whisper. "What happened, baby?" she asked Thomas, kissing his sweaty forehead in effort to soothe him.

"I fell. My arm hurts, mommy. It hurts a lot." He said between sobs.

"Let's take him inside, Kate." She heard Juliet's voice behind her. They were already attracting too much attention as a small, curious crowd formed around them, trying to see what was going on.

"I'll get him, Freckles." Sawyer effortlessly picked him up, careful not to move his damaged arm. "Hey there, little man. I know it hurts now, but Juliet here is going to make you all better, alright? Hang in there."

"It hurts, Mr. James." Thomas cried.

"I know, baby, I know." He comforted his kid and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Kate watched the scene slightly in awe, rooted in place. Silently, she followed Sawyer and Juliet into the Infirmary. When Sawyer put him on the bed and Juliet started examining his arm, Thomas called out for her. Putting on a brave face, she took his small hand in hers and tried to keep her own tears at bay. She hated seeing her child in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing her heart when she saw his bottom lip tremble as Juliet touched his arm.

"Kate, is he allergic to anything?" Juliet asked quietly and she shook her head. She didn't trust herself to speak right now. "Okay, I'm going to give him something for the pain so it might knock him out for a little while. Why don't you wait outside? I'll call you in as soon as we're done here."

Kate shook her head again.

"No, I want to stay with him. He needs me." She argued and brushed a stubborn tear away with the back of her hand.

"I just need to set his fracture and put him in a cast. He won't feel a thing, don't worry." Juliet explained and looked at Sawyer for help.

"Come on, Freckles. Let Juliet do her thing. I'll wait with you outside." She looked up at him and saw in his eyes that this was hurting him as much as it was hurting her. He offered a hand to her to help her stand up.

She nodded and took his hand.

"Juliet will take care of you, baby. I'll be right outside if you need me, okay?" she leaned down kissed his nose. He was already closing his eyes; the pain medication taking effect. "I love you so much, Thomas."

She let Sawyer lead her outside and it was only when they sat down at the bench at the front porch that she noticed he was still holding onto her hand tightly. It seemed like he was trying to comfort her and take comfort at the same time.

"That was scary." He commented, resting his head against the wall.

She could only nod. Her heart was still beating wildly against her ribcage.

"Thank you for helping him." She whispered, brushing another tear away. It felt like every time she talked to him, she was crying, she thought.

"Hell, Freckles, what else was I supposed to do? Couldn't let my kid out there with a broken arm, now could I?"

Her heart skipped a beat when he acknowledged Thomas as his son.

"I guess not. Thanks, all the same." She managed to give him a small smile. "Do you think it was serious? His arm looked pretty bad."

He shook his head and gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

"Nah, don't worry that pretty little head of yours, sweetheart. Half the kids out there break a few bones playing. I broke my arm exactly like Thomas when I was a kid. Except I was being stupid and jumped off the swing when it was really high and fell on my arm." She laughed and he grinned at her. "Broke my arm in two places and had to wear that damn cast for what felt like an eternity."

"How old were you?" She asked and leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes.

"Six. As soon as the cast was off, I was back to that same swing doing the same stupid thing." She smiled, but didn't say anything. "So, wanna tell me why you lied and said you weren't pregnant back then?"

She opened her eyes and looked at him, suddenly uncomfortable.

"James…"

"We have to talk about it, Kate. I just want to understand why you kept him away from me." He insisted and she let out a sigh.

"I didn't know." She whispered.

"You said you weren't pregnant. If I recall correctly, you even slapped me and stormed off back to the beach. How could you not know?" She could hear the hurt tone in his voice and felt her heart break for him.

"I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That's why I told you I wasn't pregnant. It was a false negative, James." She added when he looked confused.

"I only found out I was pregnant about a month after I left the island. I thought you were dead." Her voice shook in the last words.

"I thought _you _were dead, Freckles. I saw that freighter blow up. I thought you were gone for sure."

"So did I." she whispered. "When Thomas was born, I thought since he was never going to meet you, he should at least have something from his father. So I named him after you."

Sawyer nodded and put his arm around her shoulder pulling her close.

"Thank you." He said against her hair. She still smelled like strawberries.

Kate relaxed against him, his familiar touch calming her down in a way she had thought impossible. They seemed oblivious that they were in broad daylight and where anyone could see them. Luckily, the sun was setting and most of the Dharma folk were in their houses.

"So what do we do now?" she asked after a couple minutes of silence and heard him sigh.

"I want him to know I'm his father."

"Of course. He'll be thrilled. He's asked about his dad a few times, you know." She looked up at him with a smile.

"Yeah?" he looked almost proud, she thought, when he smiled back at her. "What's he like, Freckles?"

"He's really smart. Started talking earlier than normal. He loves cars and he and Aaron were inseparable."

"How did you cope with two babies, Kate? I mean, just Thomas looks like a handful." He brushed a loose strand of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

"I don't know." She smiled sadly. "Jack helped me lot. Until he started drinking and getting high off his pills, that is."

"He was high _and _drunk near my kid?" he said loudly. "I'll kill the son of a bitch!" he said angrily.

"I kicked him out before he had a chance to do anything, James, don't worry." She put her hand on his. "Hey, did you tell Juliet?" He looked away and shook his head. "Why not?"

"Didn't know what to say. Didn't know what to think, really. I mean, damn, Freckles, I definitely wasn't expecting to be a father and I most definitely wasn't expecting to find out like that."

She grimaced and looked at him apologetically.

"Sorry about that. That wasn't how I wanted you to find out."

"'S okay. I'll live. I can't believe I have a kid, though." The smile in his face was of wonder.

"He's really amazing, James." She said and he nodded in agreement. They were quiet for a while. "Hey, how are we going to work out the whole we're not supposed to know each other thing?"

"I don't know, Freckles. I really don't know. But we'll figure something out." She nodded and rested her hair on his shoulder again.

Neither of them said anything for several minutes. The sun was setting and a light breeze was blowing through the trees. Everything felt so familiar and comfortable that they never heard the door open next to them.

"You can go in now, Kate." They heard Juliet's voice and jumped apart as if they had been burned. "He's still asleep, but you should be there when he wakes up."

Kate swallowed nervously and nodded.

"Is he okay?" Sawyer asked, concerned and Kate smiled.

"Yeah, he'll just have to take it easy for the next few days and his arm will be in a cast for a while. But he should be fine." Sawyer and Kate let out a breath in relief. Juliet looked from one to the other, frowning.

"Thank you so much, Juliet." She hugged her quickly and went inside.

"Hey, Freckles?" Sawyer called and she turned back to look at him. "I'll be in soon to check on him, alright? I'm just gonna go home and change real quick."

Kate nodded and went back inside to her son.

"Is he really okay, Jules?" he asked when Kate was gone.

"Yeah, don't worry. He'll be good as new in no time." She said with small smile, still confused at his sudden concern for Kate's kid.

"Thanks for helping him." He kissed her lightly and started walking in the direction of their house.

Juliet stood there, her arms crossed in front of her chest, wondering just what the hell had happened there.


End file.
